Postcard fron the Edge
Well, well, well…I’m back in Amarillo. But let me tell yall about how I got here. Me & Wood left Gause with no problem…relatively sober. All went well, we stopped by his house so I could take a look at the new tot as well as the new house/gun room. Meat got boned on the hood of ole yeller (the jeep) and packed in the airplane recommended method. Off we go to the port. Well, we get there with about 20 min till blastoff time, I’m nervous. Already figuring that I stand about a wax dolphins chance in hell of making this flight. Checking the bags…IDIOTS…two fat chicks standing on the scale arguing about who shouldn’t have been dipping their bacon in butter this morning and whose boobs are bigger…of course they are big, everything about these horses was big …freekin huge. I refrained from mentioning that a troop of boy scouts could use their underpants as a tent, tapped my foot and waited patiently...sorta. Bag…no problem, just tuck the straps in. Now the cooler…
Blob: ”Ooooo you hasta to go getyosef some betta luggage!” (these people are always loud)
Me: “It’s a cooler, I have better luggage, but felt this would serve my purpose better.”
Blob: “Whatchew got up in tha?!”
Me: “meat”
Blob: “Oooo they aint gon letchew brin dat on no aahpane” (yes aahpane)
Me: “It is packed to the specifications listed on your web site regarding transporting game”
Blob: “Whachew mean game?!”
Me: “A species of animal whose harvest is regulated by Federal, State, or Local government entity.”…I thought…decided against it, didn’t want to “splain” to her what “all dem words means”. So I said, “Its animals I killed.”
Blob: “Why you wanna take dat wicchew”
Me: “Is there someone else I could talk to?”
Blob: “So it gon be like dat den.” (somewhat quieter now)
Blob II: “Sup”
Me: “Crap does anyone speak English around here?”…(in my head…I think)…”Freekin monkey with down syndrome could do a better job”…(again in my head…I think)… ”Uuuh I need to check my luggage.”
Blob II: “Wachew gots in there?!” gesturing to the cooler
Me: “Animals I killed, pulled the guts out of and cut their meat loose from the bone that held them together…GAME”
Blob II: “ Oh hang on, Imma go get dat man who know bout dat”
Me: “Iiiite den”…(Literal translation, “alright then, I’ll stand here patiently”)…funny thing about airport folk, they wont speak your language but seem to get upset when you try to speak theirs.
Man: “Whachew gots in they?”
Me: (under my breath) “Crap…” (audible) “I have meat that has been bagged, I have sealed bags of ice, all of which has been put in bags, then those bags were put in bags, then those bags of bags were put in this cooler and brought here so the four of us could talk about them”
Man: “They gonna leak”
Blob: “Uuuummmhu”
Blob II “Yea they ganna spill in the aahplane”
Me: “Hence the bags, it’s all in your rule book”
Man: “It in the book?”
Me: “YES”
Man: “Ite den, What in disun?” Gesturing to gun case.
Me: “Guns”
Man: “You canit bring no guns on the aahplane”
Me: “I’m checking them in, They flew with this airline two days ago, notice the TSA tape still on the case?”
Man: “They gon hafta spect dem”
Me: “Fine, I understand, where do they ‘spect dem’?”
Now “Man” picks up the gun case, tosses it (yes, literally tosses) on a conveyor belt and points to a booth 20ft behind me. So I go over there and wait. The box of guns comes out 5 mins later.
Female Inspector: “Washchew gots in here?”
Me: “Guns”
Female Inspector: “Oooo theys heaby, Jamal, jews gonna gotsta gets dis”
Jamal: “Daaang datsa heaby mofo, washchew gots in they?”
Me: “Guns”
Jamal: upon opening…”Daaaaaaaaaaaaaang, Turcel, Festiva, Civic Hatchback, yall come see dis”
Turcel: “Dats like one dem muthafukas in da movies”
Festiva: “Sheeeeeeeeeeet dems sum gats”
Civic Hatchback: “yea yea yea, is you a hitmane?”
Me: “No, could you please just check this so I can get on the plane.”
Jamal: “Iiiiite den”
Female Inspector: upon picking up a piece of brass “Ooooo jew caint take dis on no aahplane, dis listed”
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand”
Female Inspector: “Dis trash, it aint no good nohow”
Me: “It is good to me, I reload them”
Female Inspector: “Whachew means,…reload”
Me: “Its like recycling”
Female Inspector: “How muchchew gets fo dems?”
Me: “Its complicated”
Female Inspector: “Jew caint take dem on no planes”
Me: “So you are telling me that the ones with the primer, gun powder, and the little pointy part sticking out of the top of them are ok bet the ones that pose no threat are dangerous?”
Female Inspector: “Well Iz gon lejew do it dis time, but nestime go on an cycle dem fo jew gets to da plane.”
Me: “Uuuuuh, OK” I figure this must be how people get misc contraband in the air, just have the security tell “them they can do it just this once”.
Now for the mad sprint…awww crap still gotta take the boots off and strip the belt/ pockets. No “random” search, no “random” search, no “random” search….PLEASE… no “random” search. Made it, all I have to do is get dressed and RUN LIKE HELL
Sprinting full bore through the airport, I think to my self, “Self, I cant remember the last time I ran so fast, I’m not getting winded, I have to be running at about 18-20 mph, how far is gate 11, oh chit there it is at the end…way down there, better kick it up a notch. Glad I checked all my stuff, I’m making great time…its 3:09, plane doesn’t leave for another minute. I get to the gate, no line…crap, look to the counter, there is a lady standing there, I come to a stop right behind her.
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Jerrell, quit hittin yo sista”
Me: “Has the plane left yet?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Naw”
Me: “Good, here is my ticket”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “They aint no room lef, I gived yo seat tu dat lady”
Me: “Crap”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Jew can get on stanby”
Me: “Sign me up when is the next flight?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “sisfody”
Me: “Alright thank you, Is there any thing else I need to do?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Naw, jes come down an get on da plane befo sisfody, prolly bout sisfitteen be gud”
Me: “Thank you”
Airport bar, airport bar, airport bar…where is the nearest airport bar….Oh magazines…hunting magazines…. airport bar, airport bar, airport bar…where is the nearest airport bar….$42.00 later, I never tip at the airport bar, $6 for a beer is tip included in my book. Back to the counter…
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Jerrell, quit hittin yo sista”
Me: “Is it too early to check in?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Early? Baby jews late, dis plane dun leff bout free hours ago.”
Me: “Yes, you put me on the list for standby”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Me, naaw, dat nes planes awl filled up, they aint nomo room.”
Me: “And the one after that?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Das filled up too, jew wanna get on da list?”
Me: “Not particularly, what about the one after that? Is there any way I can get a seat on a plane and have that seat with absolutely no chance that I will not have that seat?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Whachew mean?”
Me: “I want to fly away from this wretched place and not have to remain here one moment longer than absolutely necessary. When is that time?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Honey dis planes all fulled up”
Me: “Yes, I understand that I thought I had a seat for this flight, that I was flying standby”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Who toljew dat?”
Me: “You did.”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Naw it wuddent me.”
Me: “Look, when is the next flight WITH A VACANT SEAT going fron here to Amarillo?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Tommowwa bout ninefityfibe.”
Me: “Crap”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Oooh I gottsa get outta des shoes, theys killin my bunions.”
Me: “More than I wanted to know”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “I werent talking to witchew”
Me: “My luggage, where would it be?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “It done flewed off”
Me: “Crap”
Ok now time to take control of the situation…I just gotta go buy some gum to cover the booze on my breath and rent a car…Dallas is a Bitch.
Blob: ”Ooooo you hasta to go getyosef some betta luggage!” (these people are always loud)
Me: “It’s a cooler, I have better luggage, but felt this would serve my purpose better.”
Blob: “Whatchew got up in tha?!”
Me: “meat”
Blob: “Oooo they aint gon letchew brin dat on no aahpane” (yes aahpane)
Me: “It is packed to the specifications listed on your web site regarding transporting game”
Blob: “Whachew mean game?!”
Me: “A species of animal whose harvest is regulated by Federal, State, or Local government entity.”…I thought…decided against it, didn’t want to “splain” to her what “all dem words means”. So I said, “Its animals I killed.”
Blob: “Why you wanna take dat wicchew”
Me: “Is there someone else I could talk to?”
Blob: “So it gon be like dat den.” (somewhat quieter now)
Blob II: “Sup”
Me: “Crap does anyone speak English around here?”…(in my head…I think)…”Freekin monkey with down syndrome could do a better job”…(again in my head…I think)… ”Uuuh I need to check my luggage.”
Blob II: “Wachew gots in there?!” gesturing to the cooler
Me: “Animals I killed, pulled the guts out of and cut their meat loose from the bone that held them together…GAME”
Blob II: “ Oh hang on, Imma go get dat man who know bout dat”
Me: “Iiiite den”…(Literal translation, “alright then, I’ll stand here patiently”)…funny thing about airport folk, they wont speak your language but seem to get upset when you try to speak theirs.
Man: “Whachew gots in they?”
Me: (under my breath) “Crap…” (audible) “I have meat that has been bagged, I have sealed bags of ice, all of which has been put in bags, then those bags were put in bags, then those bags of bags were put in this cooler and brought here so the four of us could talk about them”
Man: “They gonna leak”
Blob: “Uuuummmhu”
Blob II “Yea they ganna spill in the aahplane”
Me: “Hence the bags, it’s all in your rule book”
Man: “It in the book?”
Me: “YES”
Man: “Ite den, What in disun?” Gesturing to gun case.
Me: “Guns”
Man: “You canit bring no guns on the aahplane”
Me: “I’m checking them in, They flew with this airline two days ago, notice the TSA tape still on the case?”
Man: “They gon hafta spect dem”
Me: “Fine, I understand, where do they ‘spect dem’?”
Now “Man” picks up the gun case, tosses it (yes, literally tosses) on a conveyor belt and points to a booth 20ft behind me. So I go over there and wait. The box of guns comes out 5 mins later.
Female Inspector: “Washchew gots in here?”
Me: “Guns”
Female Inspector: “Oooo theys heaby, Jamal, jews gonna gotsta gets dis”
Jamal: “Daaang datsa heaby mofo, washchew gots in they?”
Me: “Guns”
Jamal: upon opening…”Daaaaaaaaaaaaaang, Turcel, Festiva, Civic Hatchback, yall come see dis”
Turcel: “Dats like one dem muthafukas in da movies”
Festiva: “Sheeeeeeeeeeet dems sum gats”
Civic Hatchback: “yea yea yea, is you a hitmane?”
Me: “No, could you please just check this so I can get on the plane.”
Jamal: “Iiiiite den”
Female Inspector: upon picking up a piece of brass “Ooooo jew caint take dis on no aahplane, dis listed”
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand”
Female Inspector: “Dis trash, it aint no good nohow”
Me: “It is good to me, I reload them”
Female Inspector: “Whachew means,…reload”
Me: “Its like recycling”
Female Inspector: “How muchchew gets fo dems?”
Me: “Its complicated”
Female Inspector: “Jew caint take dem on no planes”
Me: “So you are telling me that the ones with the primer, gun powder, and the little pointy part sticking out of the top of them are ok bet the ones that pose no threat are dangerous?”
Female Inspector: “Well Iz gon lejew do it dis time, but nestime go on an cycle dem fo jew gets to da plane.”
Me: “Uuuuuh, OK” I figure this must be how people get misc contraband in the air, just have the security tell “them they can do it just this once”.
Now for the mad sprint…awww crap still gotta take the boots off and strip the belt/ pockets. No “random” search, no “random” search, no “random” search….PLEASE… no “random” search. Made it, all I have to do is get dressed and RUN LIKE HELL
Sprinting full bore through the airport, I think to my self, “Self, I cant remember the last time I ran so fast, I’m not getting winded, I have to be running at about 18-20 mph, how far is gate 11, oh chit there it is at the end…way down there, better kick it up a notch. Glad I checked all my stuff, I’m making great time…its 3:09, plane doesn’t leave for another minute. I get to the gate, no line…crap, look to the counter, there is a lady standing there, I come to a stop right behind her.
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Jerrell, quit hittin yo sista”
Me: “Has the plane left yet?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Naw”
Me: “Good, here is my ticket”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “They aint no room lef, I gived yo seat tu dat lady”
Me: “Crap”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Jew can get on stanby”
Me: “Sign me up when is the next flight?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “sisfody”
Me: “Alright thank you, Is there any thing else I need to do?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Naw, jes come down an get on da plane befo sisfody, prolly bout sisfitteen be gud”
Me: “Thank you”
Airport bar, airport bar, airport bar…where is the nearest airport bar….Oh magazines…hunting magazines…. airport bar, airport bar, airport bar…where is the nearest airport bar….$42.00 later, I never tip at the airport bar, $6 for a beer is tip included in my book. Back to the counter…
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Jerrell, quit hittin yo sista”
Me: “Is it too early to check in?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Early? Baby jews late, dis plane dun leff bout free hours ago.”
Me: “Yes, you put me on the list for standby”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Me, naaw, dat nes planes awl filled up, they aint nomo room.”
Me: “And the one after that?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Das filled up too, jew wanna get on da list?”
Me: “Not particularly, what about the one after that? Is there any way I can get a seat on a plane and have that seat with absolutely no chance that I will not have that seat?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Whachew mean?”
Me: “I want to fly away from this wretched place and not have to remain here one moment longer than absolutely necessary. When is that time?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Honey dis planes all fulled up”
Me: “Yes, I understand that I thought I had a seat for this flight, that I was flying standby”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Who toljew dat?”
Me: “You did.”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Naw it wuddent me.”
Me: “Look, when is the next flight WITH A VACANT SEAT going fron here to Amarillo?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Tommowwa bout ninefityfibe.”
Me: “Crap”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “Oooh I gottsa get outta des shoes, theys killin my bunions.”
Me: “More than I wanted to know”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “I werent talking to witchew”
Me: “My luggage, where would it be?”
Blob behind Counter with 3 kids yelling and throwing crap: “It done flewed off”
Me: “Crap”
Ok now time to take control of the situation…I just gotta go buy some gum to cover the booze on my breath and rent a car…Dallas is a Bitch.
posted by Anonymous | 7:46 PM
5 Comments:
As you may know, Google puts ads on related to the content in the site, after Chris' story was posted my adds when from being for feral hog removal and guided hunts to "hip hop Music" and "hip hop t-shirts" apparently ebonics means hip hop
I hate Dallas even more now.
I learned that when flying with guns you need to know the rules so you can tell the ticket agent blobs what needs to be done.
Nice ebonics, I actually understood it pretty well because I spend a lot of time on public transportation here in Houston.
Sounds like you killed something. Rise up and post the report.
They aren't paying me well and parking is $10 a day. Public transportation is practially free.
I haven't taking the class so I'm not packing. Getting licensed to kill is one of my priorities though. I'll do it when it gets too cold to fish.
Awesome story, thanks for the entertainment.
yo, you buncha black hatin white crackas think this sh*t be funnin, makin fun of tha black foke aint no good fo our socialities and make tha oppression that is tha man stronger. you needs to be betta to us afican americans and give us's the respect that we be deservin.
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